Nur Ein XII - Round Six

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Caravan Ray
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Caravan Ray » Tue May 30, 2017 4:14 pm

HeuristicsInc wrote:- argh, i can hear that you… said “that” at least twice even though it’s not in the lyrics. Lyric-wise, is a bit too sweary for my tastes.

No - that's just my accent. It sounds like "that" when I say "cunt". You were unconsciously self- censoring.
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby HeuristicsInc » Tue May 30, 2017 6:09 pm

ah, that'll totally help with my second critique :)
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Caravan Ray
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Caravan Ray » Wed May 31, 2017 5:11 am

Thank you linesmen. Thank you ballboys.

Once again, the disappointment of rejection is well and truly overwhelmed by the exhilaration gained from learning that I don't have to write another bloody song.

A great Nur Ein - very high quality. A pleasure to be involved.

And glad I got to exit in the honourable way - especially since I think my last song was the best of my bunch for the year (1 judge seemed to agree - the other 4 are clearly idiots).

Now Merisan - you better go on and win this bastard. Don't choke in the final like you did 3 years ago ;). Not that Skub doesn't deserve to win, he has been awesome (truly great to have you back Adam) - but he is Canadian...and they are essentially just New Zealander's that can't play rugby, so he deserves to lose...mind you , that Justin Trudeau is pretty dreamy....
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Caravan Ray » Wed May 31, 2017 5:21 am

Oh..and I have been really slack at reviewing this year - so I will just say that my rankings for this round would have been:

5 Skub
4 Merisan
3 Keep it Beautiful
2 Glenn Case (didn't like the "meta" sort of thing)

As I said - I really liked my song - but I had a terrible mix (spent too long trying to master loud...was I louder MG?)

And I broke out of my "autobiographic writing" thing that had hounded me all competition. This song was actually based on a very real incident that happened this week - but I extrapolated and exaggerated it beyond reality - which is my usual comfort zone.
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Caravan Ray » Wed May 31, 2017 5:44 am

Manhattan Glutton wrote:I think I could get behind the crass lyrics more if they were delivered a little more like you personally mean them..

The bored sounding delivery was deliberate. Probably didn't work



Manhattan Glutton wrote: Topped off with a fine vocal round at the end! It would have been fun to emphasize the last "you're on your own".

Thank you. I agree and I tried to emphasise that last line (I panned it back to centre) - but...poor production let it down.
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Caravan Ray » Wed May 31, 2017 5:57 am

Caravan Ray wrote:
And I broke out of my "autobiographic writing" thing that had hounded me all competition. This song was actually based on a very real incident that happened this week - but I extrapolated and exaggerated it beyond reality - which is my usual comfort zone.

And bugger it - we are all songwriters - why don't I elaborate on that.

4 years ago, my ex wife chose to be a single mother - and for a lot of that time I was self-employed so my daughter stayed with me during school holidays while she worked. But I just started a new full-time job, so with school holidays coming up again, she realised I can no longer look after our daughter and she gets the full implication of being a "single mum". Now - to her credit - she has not said a word in protest. My song was about the imaginary scenario where she did protest.

This is how I like to write - taking a real thing, and stretching it.

Whereas in round four...well, that was all real and I probably shouldn't have written about it. (Still - I did have sex with an opera singer on a cricket pitch....high fives anybody?)
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Manhattan Glutton » Wed May 31, 2017 8:08 am

Caravan Ray wrote:Thank you. I agree and I tried to emphasise that last line (I panned it back to centre) - but...poor production let it down.


SorryExcuse me, I was unclear! What I meant was not the mix, but with vocal delivery - a harmony, alternate melody, and/or additional vocal tracks- something different that really punches through the message. I'd say a lot of the songs this week didn't really make a great connection with the title, so little tweaks to emphasize the Excuse Me(, You're on Your Own) aspect would have made it thematically stand out; something emphasizing the importance of that phrase at the chorus or the end would have provided a closure that felt a little missing (again not just in your song). I'm a bit of a dunce and need things hammered over the head, but I will say without emphasizing the Excuse Me-ness, it felt like you could have written the exact same song here with a different interjection. For example, replace "excuse me" with "fuck you" and the song hardly changes meaning**. I realize that's a bit needy***. I'm not one of those crazy people who thinks the title needs to be in the lyrics, but I do feel that the title should have a somewhat intuitive connection. And maybe in this case, focusing on that connection would have brought some more of the human element into your lyrics. You're a complex man with many emotions and a good story to tell here, and it seems you ended up papering over a little with generalized lyrics and a lack of conviction in the delivery - ironically picking an emotional topic and then distancing yourself from it enough to not emote. "Excuse me for being your husband, for wanting to make a life with you" would have been a killer story along the lines of Alanis Morissette, right?

Anyway, I didn't realize a volume difference between your track and the others OR any annoying artifacts, so mission accomplished! You made a great song, and the problem was that all the songs were great.

** I feel like I've uncovered a good rule: "if you can replace the title with 'fuck you' in the lyrics, the title was irrelevant".
*** If I were the artist, I would be so annoyed right now. It's hard enough writing a damn song in a week.
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Re: Nur Ein XII - Round Six

Postby Manhattan Glutton » Wed May 31, 2017 8:39 am

To pontificate more on the title: "Excuse Me" is particularly difficult to convey satisfactorily, especially without the letter 'a'.

Some more hot title-takes for the other contestants:
Skub - Why not use the title to emphasize the door-to-door salesdemon aspect? Was starting with "excuse me, could I get 10 second of your time?" too easy? Instead, he used "excuse me" as the response, which feels a bit wedged-in, unnecessary, and a lost opportunity.

73kib - This one's a better use of the title, but surrounded by some disjointed lyrics. The interjection could have been aided by being a little more conversational, a little more real-time-feeling.

Glenn Case - Title is used appropriately in a standard way as a prominent interjection, if maybe a little too much so.

Merisan - Rather open to interpretation, as it doesn't use the title. It feels like some of the verse phrases have an implicit "excuse me" in the normal sense, but there's also a tie-in to "use me if you need an excuse", which could turn "excuse" into a verb meaning "to use as an excuse".
If I had a dollar for every one of my songs j$ has called a 90s pastiche, I'd have $1 for every song I've written.

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