Joke Thread

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Joke Thread

Post by c hack »

Self-explanatory. Post jokes; laugh at them. Optionally, tell posters how funny they are.

(from the other thread:)
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. "Well," the egg said, rolling over in a huff, "I guess we answered THAT question, now didn't we?"

(this one I got from SpongeBob:)
Q: What do you call a vampire who's car broke down 20 miles from the blood bank?
A: A cab!

A shepherd is tending his flock when a black 5 series BMW pulls up in his field. A dude jumps out of the car wearing $2000 loafers, an Armani suit, Gucci tie, Blancpain watch.
"Hey Shepherd" says the Dude, "if I can guess exactly how many sheep you have in this field, can I have one of them?".
The Shepherd looks at the field and says "I'm a punting man; give it your best shot".
The Dude whips out his WAP and calls a satellite flyover service and gives them a telephone number. 10 minutes later, an overhead view is faxed to the Dude and he counts up the animals.
"Shepherd, you have exactly 1218 sheep".
The Shepherd confirms this is correct and the Dude opens the trunk of the Beemer and puts an animal in the trunk.
"Tell me sir" says the Shepherd, "if I can guess what you do for a living, can I have my animal back?"
"Sure", says the Dude, grinning.
"You are a IT Consultant and you work for either Accenture or KPMG"
"Fuck!! Right on" exclaims the Dude "How didja guess?"
"Well" says the Shepherd "Firstly you turned up unannounced, unwanted and with no prior warning. Then you told me what I already knew. And then you proved you knew absolutely nothing about my business. So gimme back my fuckin' dog".

On a red bumper sticker: "if this sticker is blue, you're going too fast."
(google "red shift star" if you're not nerdy enough to get it)

A lawyer, an accountant and a physicist are discussing, over a beer, whether life is better with a wife or with a girlfriend. "A wife is better," declares the lawyer, "because of the family support and the help she'll be to your career." "Nonsense," says the accountant. "A girlfriend is better: you can keep your independence and go out with your friends more." They turn to the physicist, who says, "It's better to have both. That way, the wife thinks you're with the girlfriend, the girlfriend thinks you're with the wife, and meanwhile you can be down at the lab!"

Some physics/engineering students are having a conversation.
The first one says, "The strangest thing happened to me the other day! I was walking across campus, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on her bicycle. She threw down the bike, tore off her clothes and threw them to the ground, and then cried to me, 'Take whatever you want!'."
His friends look at each other knowingly. One replies, "So, you took the bike, right?"
"Of course! The clothes never would have fit me."

Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?
ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in oorder to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

A golfer, in the middle of a horrible game, hit a ball into a patch of buttercups. He went over to get it out and was about to stomp through them to get to his ball when, at the last minute, he decided against it and, with a little stretching, pulled it out with his club.
Just then, a fairy appeared. "Good sir, I am the fairy of these grounds, and since you showed such consideration for these buttercups, I've decided to grant you a boon: free butter for the rest of your life."
The golfer was nonplussed. "What's the matter," asked the fairy. "Don't you like butter?"
"Oh I like butter fine," replied the golfer. "But where were you when I hit the ball into the pussywillows?"

ps- how am I supposed to indent a line?
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Post by drë »

ehhh, am to lazy to read long joke..what about short comic strips:
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Post by drë »

this is dumb, time to get a life!
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Post by Eric Y. »

ok i put the punchlines to my two favourite jokes in the other thread, so in this thread i will put the setups.

"why did the cat fall out of the tree?"

"why did the duck fall out of the tree?"
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Post by Justincombustion »

Two lawyers are sitting in a bar drinking when a HOT ASS blondie in a black dress comes struttin in. "Man," says the first lawyer, "I'd love to fuck her!"
The second one says "Out of what?"
Last edited by Justincombustion on Wed Oct 20, 2004 9:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Freudian Slip »

dre wrote:... time to get a life!
I heard Crapco was running a special this month..only $19.99..95...better call quick before they run out of the free "How to" video...
and while you are waiting for your call to be answered in the order in which it was recieved...

What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can’t *hear* a vitamin.

______________________________________________________

What’s another name for a “sex change operation”?
Artificial Infemination
_______________________________________________________

What’s the definition of a “crummy little bastard”?

A child eating animal crackers at his mom and dad’s wedding.
_______________________________________________________

What happened to the woman who swallowed the razorblade?

Within a week she gave herself a hysterectomy, castrated her husband, took two fingers off a friend, and gave the minister a harelip.

_____________________________________________________
A woman and her young daughter were watching horses at the stables when they saw a stallion mounting a mare. The little girl asked... “Mommy, what’s that horse doing?”
She hemmed and hawed for a while then replied, “Well, the horse on top hurt his hoof and the horse on the bottom is helping him back to the barn.”
To which the little girl replied, “Figures--Try to help somebody and you always wind up getting fucked.”
______________________________________________________

Just for Halloween:

A man and a woman were just about to leave for a halloween party, she came downstairs wearing nothing but a lemon tied to a string around her waist. Without a word he left the room. When he came back, he was just as naked as she was, but had a potato tied the string around his waist.

She gasped, “What do you think you are doing?” and he replied, “Well--If you’re going as a sourpuss...*I’m* going as a dictator.”
___________________________________________________________


The award for best costume at the Literary Ball goes to: The bottomless couple who came as Poe’s “Pit and the Pendulum”...
Last edited by Freudian Slip on Fri Oct 08, 2004 6:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
To Do Is To Be. --Socrates
To Be Is To Do. --Plato
DoBeDoBe, DoBeDo --Sinatra
I could 'see' you-- humming away (a few pill bottles on the sideboard)...But it just didn’t measure up to the insanity that is Freudian Slip...
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Post by Märk »

* this is not a disclaimer
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Post by Hoblit »

so far, second song in..this isn't half bad ..for what it is.

3rd song is hilarious! (on purpose)

4th song is nice and very sad (but he shouldn't have used the term 'dad daughter action'. Invokes the wrong imagery)

ya'll, it's spoken word over music..if you didn't know what shatner was in to.

(way better than his past attempts at this sort of thing)
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Post by the Jazz »

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to rob a bank. But before they can get the money and get away, they hear police cars pulling up. Quickly they jump into the money sacks to hide. A cop comes in and looks around, comes upon the sacks, and kicks the first sack with the brunette in it, who starts meowing like a cat. "Oh," he thinks, "it's just a sack of kittens." He kicks the second sack with the redhead in it, and she starts barking like a dog. "Oh, he thinks, "it's just a sack of puppies."
He kicks the third sack, and the blonde yells, "Potatoes!"

How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Jazz musicians can't afford light bulbs.

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Let cake eat them.
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Post by Hoblit »

Freudian Slip wrote:
dre wrote:... time to get a life!
Iit was recieved...

What’s the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?

You can’t *hear* a vitamin.
I didn't get this one until today... I get it now... so one for you:

Q: "What's about 6 inches long, about 2 inches wide, has a head on it, and women just LOVE to blow it."

A: "A one-hundred dollar bill."
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Post by Freudian Slip »

Hee hee hee...hoblity good, yup-- well, here's a coupla more of mine...
______________________________________________________

A blonde and her roommate were watching the 6 o'clock news. Caught on film in lengthy detail, right on up to the gushy splat, was a woman jumping from the roof of a tall building.

When the 11 o’clock news came on the blonde said, “Bet she won’t jump...”

Her roommate replied, “50 bucks says she will.”

The blonde grinned widely and said, “You’re on!”

Both watched in horrified amazement as the scene was once again replayed.

“Damn”, the blonde sighed as she reached for her purse. “After what happened the first time-- I couldn’t *believe* she’d do it again.”
_____________________________________________________
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
_____________________________________________________
How do you make a blonde’s eyes sparkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
_____________________________________________________
Mommy, Mommy-- I think Daddy’s trying to tell us something...
"Shut up and reload."
______________________________________________________
Why are Helen Keller’s legs yellow?
Because her dog is blind too.
______________________________________________________
About to write a perscription, the doctor reached into his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. He stared at it blankly for a moment then mumbled, “Shit-- Some asshole has my pen.”
______________________________________________________
What do they call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled Czech.
______________________________________________________
Why did the hooker douche with Crest?
She had heard that it reduced cavities.
______________________________________________________
A little boy passed a whorehouse every day on his walk to school. The madam was sitting out on a rocker on the front porch every morning and every morning she called out to him, “Hello, little boy!”, while extending and waving one pinky.

One day he stopped in his tracks and asked, “Lady? Why do you always do that-- Wave at me with your pinky?”

She smiled and replied, “Well--You’re a little boy, so I figure --that’s about how big your 'little thing' is...”

“Oh. Well, then--” he said, as he hooked an index finger in each corner of his mouth pulled the corners as wide as possible and replied, “ Hello, Lady!”
________________________________________________________
(long joke, lotta words...oh well...)

A poor rural farmer had a son who had just turned 16. He said to him, “Boy, when I was your age... on my 16th birthday, my father took me to the cathouse in town and made me a man. That’s what I’d love to give you too, son. But, you know, the crops have been bad, Bessie died, and pretty much all we have to our name is the farm and this here duck. So... tell ya what. Take the duck, walk on into town and see if’n there’s anything you want that you can trade it for.”

The boy did a he was told, tucked the duck under his arm and headed off towards town. On his way there, a girl about his age stopped him and said, “Cute duck-- what’re ya gonna do with it?”

He told her it was his birthday and the rest of his story, then she smiled and said,”I’ll trade ya for the duck-- How bout we go off to them there bushes?”

The duck nearly got away during his hasty complaince, so they tethered it to a bush and got on with their business. Afterwards, she looked up at him and said, “Tell you what, since it’s your birthday and all-- Do what you did-- again and I’ll give you your duck back.”

So *he* did-- and, *she* did-- and afterwards, he tucked the duck back under his arm and headed for home with a jaunty spring in his step. Three quarters of the way back up the road and 18 wheeler came thundering down the road, startled the duck out from under his arm and under the wheels of the truck. The driver screeched to a halt... took a look at the boy’s stricken face and what was stuck under the wheels and said, “Sorry about the duck, boy-- Here’s 20 bucks.”

The boy pocketed the twenty and ran for home, seeing his father he burst out with the news, “Pa! Pa!-- You’ll never guess what!... I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and twenty bucks for a fucked up duck!”
Last edited by Freudian Slip on Fri Oct 08, 2004 6:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
To Do Is To Be. --Socrates
To Be Is To Do. --Plato
DoBeDoBe, DoBeDo --Sinatra
I could 'see' you-- humming away (a few pill bottles on the sideboard)...But it just didn’t measure up to the insanity that is Freudian Slip...
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Hahahaha...haha...ha...ha...um...yeah-- that's really funny

Post by Freudian Slip »

A man was out for a walk when another man burst out the front door of his house onto the porch screaming... “You have to help me!--My wife is having a seizure!”

Being a Good Samaritan, he quickly followed the man into the house and up the stairs... seeing the man’s wife completely nude, on the bed jerking and thrashing he asked, “What can I do?”

“We have to tie her down...” And after a daunting struggle to secure her thrashing arms and legs to the bedposts, he turned to the woman’s husband, mouth hanging open with the question,”Now what?”, half formed on his lips as he saw the man strip off the last of his clothing, jump on top of his still flailing wife and yell, “OK-- Cut ‘er loose!”
____________________________________________
Mother to daughter:
“Did you enjoy your time with your new daddy while mommy was away?”

“It was OK, but everyday we did the same thing... he rowed me out across the lake and I had to swim back.”

“Isn’t that awfully far, dear?”

“The swim wasn’t so bad. The tough part was getting out of the bag first.”
_____________________________________________
What do a hemophiliac and a virgin have in common?

One prick and it’s all over.
_____________________________________________
What’s white and crawls up your leg?

Uncle Ben’s Perverted Rice
_____________________________________________
What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread for bread.
_____________________________________________
What’s the difference between dark and hard?

It stays dark all night long.
_____________________________________________
What’s the difference between a “sin” and a “shame”?

It’s a sin to stick it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
_____________________________________________

Why is it more profitable to run a one story whorehouse?

Because there’s no fucking overhead.
___________________________________________
What’s the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you use a feather... Perverted is when you use the whole damn chicken.
___________________________________________
John’s tennis elbow was acting up so he decided to go to the doctor. When he got to the office, he was met by a nurse who handed him a urine cup.

“What’s this for?” he asked.

“It’s for our new diagnostic machine, very expensive-- but completely accurate. We can find out anything that’s wrong with you from a single sample .”

He grumbled a bit, then did as she asked, she left the room with it and after a series of clicks whistles and dings... she came back in the room with a card in her hand. “You have tennis elbow...rest your arm and come back in two weeks with another specimen.”, she said as she handed him a cup.

“What? The doctor’s not even going to see me?”

“No need, but he’s not here anyway, he’s working on his golf swing. That’ll be forty dollars.”

John was irate, but came up with a plan. Before he went in for his next appointment, he pissed in the cup, had his wife piss in the cup got a specimen from his daughter, added a few drops of crankcase oil from his car and finally-- as a coup de grace, he masturbated into the cup.

He sauntered into the doctors office, specimen in hand. The nurse took one look at the cup, arched a brow, gave him an odd glance and left the room.

He heard the machine chug and carry on for quite a while this time and even had himself half-convinced he smelled smoke. She marched back into the room, card in hand, and announced...”All right smartass-- I’ve got some bad news for you... Your wife’s got VD, your daughter’s pregnant, your car’s about to throw a rod-- and if you don’t stop whacking off-- That tennis elbow’s NEVER gonna heal.”
_________________________________________________________
A city boy went out to a farm to buy himself a hog for the Pig Roast Picnic. He was looking at the hogs in the pen, pointed at one, and asked the farmer, “Well-- how much is that one?”

Farmer said, “Wellsir-- We sell ‘em by the pound-- Lemme just weigh’im for ya.” The farmer walked up to the pig, gripped his tail in his teeth, picked him up in the air, set him back down and said, “Hundert pounds-- Hundert dollars...”

The city boy was incredulous, so the farmer called to his son...”C’mere boy... weigh the pig.” The son did exactly as his father had, picked the pig up with it’s tail between his teeth, put it back down and announced, “Hundert pounds, Pop.”

The famer turned to the city boy and said, “See I told ya, Hundert pounds, hundert dollars.”

“Well,” he said, “I still don’t believe you... Why don’t you put it on a scale?”

“Hain’t got one...Boy-- Go git yer Ma...We’ll prove this out, once and for all.”

The boy didn’t move, and the farmer said, “Boy--Why you still standin there? I said-- go git yer Ma...”

The son said, “I cain’t Pa-- Ma’s busy up at the house right now, weighing the Postman.”


:roll:
Last edited by Freudian Slip on Fri Oct 08, 2004 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
To Do Is To Be. --Socrates
To Be Is To Do. --Plato
DoBeDoBe, DoBeDo --Sinatra
I could 'see' you-- humming away (a few pill bottles on the sideboard)...But it just didn’t measure up to the insanity that is Freudian Slip...
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Post by j$ »

Too ... much .... bold! :)

"My wife just went on holiday to the West Indies."

"Jamiaca?"

"No, she went of her own accord."




Ha ha bonk.

j$
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Post by Freudian Slip »

[quote="j$"]Too ... much .... bold! :)


Thanks for the mention--keep forgetting *I* have this big ol, honkin', ton weighin', monitor monstrosity (and it all looked so "little" from way back here)...

Well, there's that --and the fact that I *like* bold-- so it's probably a "really" good thing you've never seen my clothes, heh. (Course my fashion...er... "sense" is something else that's "subject to change
w/o prior notice"...)

Was going for "readability",with lines for visual separation, all while praisin the god of white space...
_____________________________________________

BTW-- J$, got a chuckle outta your "giggle-whopper".(Ha, ha, ha--bonk.) I had lists of those kinds of jokes in sixth grade (euthanasia, gruesome, orange...etc.) Cuz I thought it was hilarious how many times what we thought we said was nowhere near what someone else thought they heard. (Which, for some reason, *also* reminds me of politics and lawyers.)

...that and "misunderstandings" like these:

A drunk was walking past the scene of a horrific car accident in which the driver had been decapitated.
He stopped and said, "Hey, thasht looks like my besht friends car."
The cop, who had yet to identify the victim, said, "You knew this man?"
The drunk staggered over to the head that lay in the street, picked it up by the hair and stared intently into it's eyes for a few moments and said, "Nope-- this can't be him-- My friend was much taller."

_______________________________________

A deer jumped out in front of a car. The driver jerked the wheel sharply and crashed into a phone pole. A cop who was driving towards them on the opposite side witnessed the whole thing.
As he approached the car, he saw the windshield was totally covered in blood and gore... the splatter so bad he couldn't see through it. He forced down his rising gorge and walked towards the car to assess the injuries, hesitantly calling out, "Is anyone OK?"
then nearly fainted when the driver stuck his head out the window and replied,
"We're fine-- but the pizza's *totally* fucked".
_____________________________________________________
________________________________________________

PS-- I can't figure how to
:arrow: indent either <shrugs>...
To Do Is To Be. --Socrates
To Be Is To Do. --Plato
DoBeDoBe, DoBeDo --Sinatra
I could 'see' you-- humming away (a few pill bottles on the sideboard)...But it just didn’t measure up to the insanity that is Freudian Slip...
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Post by Calfborg »

From My Blue Heaven:

What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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Post by c hack »

I just heard a bit of Laura Kightlinger's (sp?) routine. Damn, she is funny.

"So I got asked to do a benefit for babies who were born addicted to crack. I said 'Okay, fine, I'll help raise money for them. But I think you and I both know what they're gonna spend it on.'"
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Post by Eric Y. »

just got this one via email, and i hadn't heard it before...

> A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little
> girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden
> hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
>
> The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
> The firefighter takes closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck,"
> the fire fighter says with admiration.
>
> "Thanks," the girl says.
>
> The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the
> wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
>
> "Little Pardner," the fire fighter says, "I don't
> want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope
> around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
>
> The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right,
> but...then I wouldn't have a siren."
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D&D Humor

Post by c hack »

D&D Humor:

ED: You see a well-groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?
ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.
ERIC: How far away is it?
ED: About 50 yards.
ERIC: How big is it?
ED: (Pause) It's about 30 feet across, 15 feet high, with a pointed top.
ERIC: I use my sword to detect whether it's good.
ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo!
ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.
ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo!
ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
ED: No, Eric. It's a gazebo!
ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (rolls to hit). What happened?
ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
ED: Of course not, Eric! It's a gazebo!
ERIC: But that was a +3 arrow!
ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a gazebo! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#%$*& gazebo!
ERIC: (Long pause - he has no axe or fire spells) I run away.
ED: It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo, and it catches you and eats you.
ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my paladin...
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Post by Jim of Seattle »

Freudian Slip wrote: What’s another name for a “sex change operation”?
Artificial Infemination
[/i]
I heard the punch line was

An addadicktomy[/b]
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Post by Jim of Seattle »

Guy walks into a barber shop and says to the barber, "Hey, I got a great Polish joke. You wanna hear it?" The barber looks at him a minute and says, "Well, OK, but first you ought to know, I'm Polish. And see this guy sitting here? He's Polish too. And see those three big bruisers sitting over there? They're all Polish too. So. You still wanna tell your Polish joke?" The guy looks around and says, "Well, not if I have to explain it five times."

Two Indian men are living next door to each other in America. One day they start talking about assimilating into the American culture. "Hey, I have an idea," the first guy says, "Let's have a contest. We each get one month to try to become as American as possible. Whoever is the most American wins." The second guy says, "You're on!" So they go off. A month later, they meet up again. The first guy says, "Hey, I'm gonna go grab a rack of Bud and take my Jeep down to the ballgame today." The second guy looks at him and says "Fuck off, towel head."
Bell Green
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Post by Bell Green »

What's green and turns red at the touch of a button?

A frog in a blender.
so . . . when was the last time you backed up?
Eric Y.
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Post by Eric Y. »

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady,was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she responded.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the finished gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought to himself.

Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she
burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
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