Lyric help

[Caravan Ray]

OK - I'd like to finish this song.
It has driven me mad for weeks:

(and apologies to the people I have not yet reviewed - I WIILL DO IT - EVENTUALLY)

I recorded this as "Weta Tshirt" for the City in Fog fight.

It was entered unfinished - and many reviewers noticed that. I want to finish it.

Background story:
I live in New Zealand.
Wellington, the capitol of NZ is very foggy.
3 times I have tried to fly to Wellington for work - 3 times my flight has been cancelled due to fog.
My wife often flies to Wellington.

My story - a boy's girl flies to Wellington, and because of fog - she cannot get home. It is only then the(metaphorical) fog lifts from his eyes - and he realises how much he misses her.

Further story - Welleington is a very cool city. Very groovy. Auckland - the obvious place where this song may be sung is a bit crap.

I feel i have a great song here. I like my first draft ( the songfight entry) - but I really want a good story to go in it. I set the mood - but I have no story.

QUESTION:
She has gone to Wellington.
Her flight home is delayed due to fog.
Why does he think she will never come back?




Lyrics so far:

The fog lifts from my eyes and I realise, I should have never let you go
As the fog rolls in from the skies over the Cook Strait and I realise I should never let you go

I should never let you go

The 5:15 from Wellington's not taking off tonight

Please come back from Wellington

Don't leave me alone


BTW - a Weta is a large cockroach.

I think "weta tshirt" is funny as hell.

[king_arthur]

CR - seems to me like what you have so far is actually the ENDING of the song, and you need to come up with something that will set up the story, introduce the characters and the situation... also, even though you do talk about "please come home from Wellington," all the references to the 5:15 "not taking off" tonight give the feeling that the singer is IN Wellington, not somewhere else waiting for her to come home from there... should be "won't be coming in tonight" or something.

But, basically, think of what you have so far as the end of the story and then figure out how to introduce all the information a listener would need to know for that ending to make sense...

Charles (KA)

[jast]

QUESTION:
She has gone to Wellington.
Her flight home is delayed due to fog.
Why does he think she will never come back?

I'm thinking of the classic idea that you don't realize what you've got to lose until you lose it. Potentially, in this case. So maybe he didn't really care that much about the relationship and suddenly, when thinking about her, he does and fears she's gotten tired of him being too indifferent.
Or her ex-boyfriend lives there.
Or he's the worrying type and imagines her in a horrible accident of some sort and is singing about not being clingy enough.
Or Wellington is just that much better than wherever he is and nobody can really stand staying anywhere else.

[Rabid Garfunkel]

-Why did she go to Wellington?
-Did she leave on good terms or bad?
-Did he (almost?) get into trouble (of whatever sort) while she was gone?
--What kind of trouble?
-Are there monsters in the murk/fog?
-Did she (almost?) get into trouble on her trip?
--What kind of trouble?
-Does he just worry too much?
-Was he supposed to go with her to Wellington but wound up not going at the last minute, and she had packed the medicines he needs to live, so the song is his dying thoughts as he's going gently into that good night?
-Is he just really really horny for her special brand of loving and their amateur home videos aren't filling the bill for him?

[Billy's Little Trip]

He needs to have more of a reason why he thinks she won't be coming back. Just because of fog keeping the plane from taking off is weak because she can just take a later flight and they can talk on their mo-bile, as you can them. There has to be something more devastating going on to put his mind in a panic that he has lost her forever.

One thought is at the time of her flight, he saw on the telly, as you call them, there was a terrible plane crash due to the fog in Wellington, with no survivors. He then regrets how they parted with a heated argument and he never got the chance to apologize to her and tell her how much he really loves her.

Now, riddled with guilt, he feels like he can't go on without her. As he writes his final goodbye (in this song) and has a hand full of sleeping pills that he's about to swallow, she comes bursting through the door in tears......
Now, two choice to end this story
A. Happy: ....and runs straight to his arm to tell him that she could never live without him. She missed her original flight and caught a later flight.

B. Sad:.....to find her boyfriend dead with the note saying he couldn't live without her, as the news cast on the telly continues covering the horrific plane crash in the background. (the news cast is in the ending of the song and fades out with guitar feedback)

....and scene

[Niveous]

BTW - a Weta is a large cockroach.
I think "weta tshirt" is funny as hell.

Then maybe you should buy one:

[Billy's Little Trip]

I don't like that style of t-shirt, but I now want a t-shirt with nothing but a cock-a-roach on it.

[Caravan Ray]

also, even though you do talk about "please come home from Wellington," all the references to the 5:15 "not taking off" tonight give the feeling that the singer is IN Wellington, not somewhere else waiting for her to come home from there... should be "won't be coming in tonight" or something.

Heh! exactly. I recorded the lyrics and realised I was getting things the wrong way around - that is why I can't work out what the story is supposed to be. I think the singer should be in WTG - waiting for someone to get back from Auckland maybe. Otherwise how would they be seeing the fog from the Cook Strait?

anyway - thankyou everyone - this was all just what I wanted. Great thoughts/suggestions here. Will get back to work on this and try to make it make sense.

[Caravan Ray]

Now, two choice to end this story
A. Happy: ....and runs straight to his arm to tell him that she could never live without him. She missed her original flight and caught a later flight.

B. Sad:.....to find her boyfriend dead with the note saying he couldn't live without her, as the news cast on the telly continues covering the horrific plane crash in the background. (the news cast is in the ending of the song and fades out with guitar feedback)

....and scene

I'm leaning more to
C. Ambiguous and unresolved: - to fit in with the whole "foggy" thing